I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
