apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
