Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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