Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
