Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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