haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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