You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
