I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
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He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
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Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.