im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Drunk walkin through police station. America
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.