Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
