it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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