i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
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He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Your shirt... Was in my pants