Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
