My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
