I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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