You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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