I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
