So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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