That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
