Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
