its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
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Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities