saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
