I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
