I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
