I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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