Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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