she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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