In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize