I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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