A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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