hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
