How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
