he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
that's an acceptable place to lick
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
