mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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