Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This baby is an asshole
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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