Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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