is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
