Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
