I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Come on in and take your pants off
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