I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
