Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
