oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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