matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
