i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
