Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
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Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize