Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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