Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
