It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
