great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
