Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
