i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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