the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
