but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
