Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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