Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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